On losing Mina

Eighteen months ago the daughter I had hoped and prayed for was born (click here to read that story).  She was early, yes, (she was twenty-seven weeks to be exact), but she was fiesty! 

Once the spinal wore off and I was back settled in my room, my mind began racing in a hundred different directions:  I was going to need to arrange for childcare for Camden, and transportation to his afternoon preschool.  I figured I could drop Grace off at school each day, and then spend all day in the NICU with Mina, until it was time to pick up Grace and Camden in the afternoon.  I was thinking about how I'd get to be friends with all the nurses, and everyone would know how much I loved my little Mina because I would be there ALL the TIME.  I still needed to get Mina's room ready, and get her a carseat, and buy her some clothes!  Since I was no longer pregnant I was finally off bedrest and allowed to go to Target.  Yay!  I bet they had missed me at Target.  I wasn't ready for her to be here, yet, but at the same time I hadn't been able to wait.  And now she was here and I was so excited. 

I knew that she'd be in the hospital until around her due date, so three months.  Totally doable, I thought, and then she'd be home and my life would go back to "normal".  I reasoned that it was only temporary and I was completely prepared to give it (the situation, that is) everything I had.  It never crossed my mind that she wouldn't go home with us, or that there would be anything "wrong" with her.  I just knew that this was a setback, and in a few months it would all be over and our family would be complete. 

But then, six days later, we lost Mina. 

I couldn't answer the phone for days.  What was the point?  I'd just end up sobbing into the receiver.  Chris was my rock.  He took care of all the talking to people.  It never occured to me how much he was hurting too.  How could this happen to us?  WHY did this happen to us?  to ME?  It totally wasn't fair.  I'd think about how much it sucked for ME, and then think about my other babies, my Grace and Camden.  They'd wanted Mina as much as I did.  They'd waited and waited for her arrival too.  And now this.  How was this going to change them?

Days passed, and then weeks.  Chris was back at work and the kids were back at school.  I frequented online support groups for mothers who had lost babies.  Some of them had lost babies years ago and still were not able to be happy for a pregnant mom, or still couldn't hold a friend's baby.  Years.  I vowed that this would not be me.  Yes, I lost Mina, but I was not going to spend the rest of my life being bitter about it.  I had other children who needed a mom, and a husband who needed a wife.  I didn't want to be defined by losing her.  Changed yes, defined no.  When we got pregnant again I was so happy.  I was not trying to replace Mina, I knew I wouldn't be able to.  But I felt that my heart needed another child to love.  We didn't tell people about the pregnancy for quite a while.   I was afraid some people would think it was too soon.  And others would think that since I was pregnant again that Mina was forgotten. 

When Charlie was born I was glad that he was a boy...to distance him from the big sister he would never know.  When he came home I think we all breathed a sigh of relief.  Camden for one hadn't experienced a baby coming home before.  The joy on his face.  And Grace's.  I will never forget those.  They were so proud.  Sometimes people still ask me if I'm "ok".  I'm not really sure how to answer that.  Is it disrespecting Mina's short life to be "ok"?  I am thankful for my life exactly how it is.  Because my life is just that, my life.  I wouldn't change a thing.  Sometimes I feel sad about losing Mina, but mostly I am curious.  What would she be like now, at eighteen months?   I wonder if she would be stubborn independent like her older sister, a spaz full of energy like her big brother, or chill like her baby brother.  I wonder what she would look like.  I have a hard time imagining her as anything other than the newborn she will always be to me. I haven't figured out why God gave her to us only to take her away so quickly, except that maybe she was so perfect He wanted her all to himself.  I haven't figured it out, but I'm ok with it.  Rest in peace, my perfect little angel.